What not to say after your friend or loved one tells you they have breast cancer
When it comes to my breast cancer experience, I’m about as open as could be. No question is off-limits, and if we’re hanging out in person, I’m more than happy to show you “the girls.” (To date, I have only made two exceptions to my no-nude photo policy.) But I wasn’t always this way, especially after first being diagnosed. Sharing “the news” with those I love (well before “coming out” on social media) was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I tried my best to maintain my sunny outlook and focus on the positives—but in many cases I just blurted out, “Listen, I have breast cancer.” (Honestly, there’s no way to sugar-coat it.)
I never expected any specific response from anyone—it’s freaking awkward and we’ve all been on the receiving end of bad news and not known what to say. As with any similar situation, the best we can do is respond from a place of love, care and concern—that’s all anyone can ask.
I came across this article on Everyday Health this morning, and I wanted to share a few of the main takeaways—which are basically a few things not to say, especially when your friend or loved one is considering, scheduled for or has undergone a mastectomy. My only caveat is that we all have our “people” who can say anything without fear of repercussion, and in that case let it fly.
“When I had my boobs done…”
Other than the location of the surgical site, breast augmentation is nothing like a mastectomy. You didn’t have drains or T-Rex arms for weeks when you got your implants, did you?
“At least you get new boobs!”
Do you know what I had to go through for these new boobs? Yes, I’m extremely pleased with them, but they actually aren’t “my boobs” at all. They are a marvel of modern science. (P.S. I’m allowed to say, “At least I got new boobs.”)
“Can I see your chest?”
Just wait for your friend or family member to offer you as peek. If they’re down, it will happen.(Trust me.)
“How amazing, you never have to wear a bra again!”
This was a BIG upside for me at the beginning, but I’ve come to learn this isn’t the case—at least not yet. I can go braless for brunch or a night out (and I love every second if it), but I pay the price in the form of major soreness for a day or two afterwards. Truthfully, I’m more comfortable in a supportive bra than without one and I still don’t think I’ll ever sleep without one again.
“Aren’t you happy you don’t have to think about cancer again?”
This was another “plus” for me initially (probably to make myself feel better about the whole situation), but the fact is I think about getting cancer again every single morning when I take my tamoxifen, every three months when I go to the oncologist for blood work and countless times throughout each and every day.
I’m beyond grateful that I’ve inspired women to get their mammograms, and that my personal experience has been able to help several amazing women navigate the overwhelming process that follows a breast cancer diagnosis. I am also thankful for every person who sent me well-wishes, brought me Bagelworks tuna and Tito’s vodka (you know who you are) and simply checked in with me to see how I was doing. I wish no one ever had to be on the receiving end of the news of a breast cancer diagnosis, but until we find a cure, just try to think for a millisecond before you speak.
